P and I are thinking of buying a place of our own here some time next year (fingers crossed for a nice big bonus!). We haven't narrowed down an area yet, but are taking the next few months to explore different towns to see which one would suit us best.
Last weekend, we took Chynna with us and headed south east towards the coast as I have a colleague who lives there. Before we got on the motorway, we stopped off at a service station to fill up with petrol, use the bathroom and pick up some snacks for the 1.5 hour journey. In the shop, I couldn't decide between a sausage roll or mini scotch eggs stuffed with pork that came in a plastic tub. My hand hovered over both items before I finally went with the eggs. Thank goodness I did though, and you will all see why in a bit.
After driving for a short while, P said to me, "Oh sh*t, they have closed the motorway between junction 5 and 6!" At that point, I didn't realize what that would mean. However, I soon would as we were caught in one of the worst traffic jams I have ever been in. We sat in the same spot without moving for about 25 minutes and when we did, it was literally at a crawl. There had been an accident earlier. Instead of quickly moving the affected vehicles out of the way (what am I saying? That would have taken common sense), the Brrrringlish idiots decided to cause chaos for thousands of drivers by closing that section of the motorway and sending us all on a jolly detour down single-lane country roads. You can imagine the congestion that caused at that particular junction. It was like trying to funnel a dam full of water through a straw.
All of you that know me well are aware that I have the bladder of a knat. One of my friends calls me the 'electric shower heater' i.e. water goes in cold and comes out almost immediately warm. Being stuck in a gridlock is one of my biggest nightmares. After not moving for about two hours, I was about to have a serious accident all over the front seat. There just didn't seem to be an end in sight.
It is illegal here to get out of your car on the motorway so it wasn't like I could even use one of the bushes on the verge as a toilet. As it is the fall, the plants were quite bare anyway so they wouldn't have provided much coverage. I had visions of my bare behind being posted up on Youtube or on one of those 'priceless' emails that go around the www.
I was so uncomfortable and desperate that I was about to p into a zip lock bag that we had. Unfortunately, it was sandwich sized so I knew it wasn't going to be big enough. I looked around the car to see what we could use and on the back seat, I noticed the tub of scotch eggs. I said to P, "I got it! I can use that as a p pot!".
The only issue was that it was still half full of food. So my sweet husband opened the tub and started eating the contents at full speed. He couldn't chew as fast as his hand was putting eggs in his mouth and I think was making himself sick. Finally all the scotch eggs were eaten and he gave me the empty container.
As I didn't want to spill on the seat, I laid the disposable baby changing mat lining Chynna's travel bed on the seat, twigs that she picks up on her walks and all. I took Chynna's towel, put it over my lap, dropped my trousers, put the pot into position and let the yellow river flow. I'm sure people looking into the car must have thought I was a REALLY tall Chinese woman.
By this time, P had finally maneuvered into the far right lane so he had to ensure he didn't pull up next to any trucks that could down look directly into the car as we moved. Two minutes and one litre later, I felt much much better. Thank goodness for napkins and wet wipes.
We managed to pass the worst of the jam, but were still stuck behind slow-moving traffic for another hour or so. I then had to use the bathroom again. The second time of using the p pot was not surprisingly, much easier than the first.
Soon afterwards, traffic normalised and then it was P's turn to need to use the bathroom. A journey that would normally have taken 90 minutes took almost five hours. We finally pulled into a service station and I have never seen P move so fast in my life.
That day showed me that I have really settled in this country. I can never change the uselessness of the people and the inefficiency in the way they think. But after 18 months of living here, I have now honed my ability to work around their inabilities. I think it would be fair to say that not only did I impress P, but I also surprised myself. Humans are amazing creatures and we are adaptable in the most surprising (though not always pleasant) ways.
I now have an emergency 'toilet' in the car, a plastic bag filled with more disposable baby changing mats, the infamous scotch egg pot, a sarong (for modesty) and more wet wipes. Needs must!
After driving for a short while, P said to me, "Oh sh*t, they have closed the motorway between junction 5 and 6!" At that point, I didn't realize what that would mean. However, I soon would as we were caught in one of the worst traffic jams I have ever been in. We sat in the same spot without moving for about 25 minutes and when we did, it was literally at a crawl. There had been an accident earlier. Instead of quickly moving the affected vehicles out of the way (what am I saying? That would have taken common sense), the Brrrringlish idiots decided to cause chaos for thousands of drivers by closing that section of the motorway and sending us all on a jolly detour down single-lane country roads. You can imagine the congestion that caused at that particular junction. It was like trying to funnel a dam full of water through a straw.
All of you that know me well are aware that I have the bladder of a knat. One of my friends calls me the 'electric shower heater' i.e. water goes in cold and comes out almost immediately warm. Being stuck in a gridlock is one of my biggest nightmares. After not moving for about two hours, I was about to have a serious accident all over the front seat. There just didn't seem to be an end in sight.
It is illegal here to get out of your car on the motorway so it wasn't like I could even use one of the bushes on the verge as a toilet. As it is the fall, the plants were quite bare anyway so they wouldn't have provided much coverage. I had visions of my bare behind being posted up on Youtube or on one of those 'priceless' emails that go around the www.
I was so uncomfortable and desperate that I was about to p into a zip lock bag that we had. Unfortunately, it was sandwich sized so I knew it wasn't going to be big enough. I looked around the car to see what we could use and on the back seat, I noticed the tub of scotch eggs. I said to P, "I got it! I can use that as a p pot!".
The only issue was that it was still half full of food. So my sweet husband opened the tub and started eating the contents at full speed. He couldn't chew as fast as his hand was putting eggs in his mouth and I think was making himself sick. Finally all the scotch eggs were eaten and he gave me the empty container.
As I didn't want to spill on the seat, I laid the disposable baby changing mat lining Chynna's travel bed on the seat, twigs that she picks up on her walks and all. I took Chynna's towel, put it over my lap, dropped my trousers, put the pot into position and let the yellow river flow. I'm sure people looking into the car must have thought I was a REALLY tall Chinese woman.
By this time, P had finally maneuvered into the far right lane so he had to ensure he didn't pull up next to any trucks that could down look directly into the car as we moved. Two minutes and one litre later, I felt much much better. Thank goodness for napkins and wet wipes.
We managed to pass the worst of the jam, but were still stuck behind slow-moving traffic for another hour or so. I then had to use the bathroom again. The second time of using the p pot was not surprisingly, much easier than the first.
Soon afterwards, traffic normalised and then it was P's turn to need to use the bathroom. A journey that would normally have taken 90 minutes took almost five hours. We finally pulled into a service station and I have never seen P move so fast in my life.
That day showed me that I have really settled in this country. I can never change the uselessness of the people and the inefficiency in the way they think. But after 18 months of living here, I have now honed my ability to work around their inabilities. I think it would be fair to say that not only did I impress P, but I also surprised myself. Humans are amazing creatures and we are adaptable in the most surprising (though not always pleasant) ways.
I now have an emergency 'toilet' in the car, a plastic bag filled with more disposable baby changing mats, the infamous scotch egg pot, a sarong (for modesty) and more wet wipes. Needs must!
